It changes the narrative. A repaired heart realizes the things in their true form sans any veil or vapor. That could be shattering sometimes.
After 34 years, she realized, that it was her mother who chose to step back. It wasn’t the other way around – her father hadn’t abandoned his family. Years of thinking where her mind had held onto ‘her father had estranged her‘ came to shrink in existence. It was her conscious decision to stick to her mother. In her view, father ought not had left his spouse back and moved away. He should have either taken her along or kept nudging at them until they gave in. He hadn’t been the ideal partner to his wife… what was she to do? While she was deluded about a few more things!
Or maybe she chose to be with the lesser evil.
In all this, where was her father at fault? Like he decided to move on from then current set-up, mother chose to not go along with him. Thereafter, no one made efforts to fix things… They were happy with the damage. And her daughter… she sided with her mother. Irrespective of the reason, wasn’t she the one who abandoned father? Why had she been blaming him all this while?
She was fortunate to have realized this, while she could still comprehend things. On her own.
A few times her father had attempted to reach her – she had clearly displayed her stance… refusing to speak. Years later, she had looked him up online to find his whereabouts much later. Often succeeding, but not knowing the further course of action, grieving, giving up till the cycle repeated. She missed him; contrary to how she always denied. She loved him – why else she would still be holding on to the habits he had instilled in her?
That was the first man she encountered. The last one was also quite the drama.
After many years, and count of failed relationships, she finally tasted how her day to day life be living with a man. Her concept of going off to sleep looking at him and waking up looking at the same face to spend the rest of the day with him and doing this everyday – ad infinitum, had manifested in him. As though, the lockdown happened for her to live life in a boundless repeat, with a man! Like everyone in this world, she lived with him for the complete duration of day and night, day after day, for two years – straight. He is all she looked at, worked with, ate with, spoke with, slept with, fought with, in the process living with him for four years.
What began as an arrangement, subtly changed to relationship. He was clear in his mind with her. She clearly was not. she took that as relationship… why?
The ideals she preached when her friends cried over their broken relationship were the very she forgot. Definitely; not conveniently, she hadn’t assumed anything. He was an active participant. Yet, she was not entitled. Nothing was implied, they lived together and that was all.
Sleeping with someone doesn’t amount to relationship. Being married also isn’t a relationship, she had witnessed that twice already. Loving someone doesn’t bind anyone in a relationship either – she knew that way too well. Then why living together meant any better? A sense of commitment is what holds two people in a relationship and she knew that. Then why did she act naïve this time?
She was at fault – both the times!
She was fortunate, she experienced things larger than the experiences from her past.
The present association travelled to a different country for his business. That was courteous of him to leave a voice message telling her of his probable plan during his visit – that wasn’t warranted of him though. They had met only a couple of months back. Hitting the pillow, post listening to that message, she felt a strange calmness enveloping her mind.
She sent him a text:
“I have no knowledge of my biological father’s whereabouts… while I can’t feel blessed enough to know where someone I met just a couple of months back, maybe across the globe. Do you know, how valued I feel? Or how long…“
The other realization is yet to be shared with him. She would, in person, when she sees him.
The day they were together and for the night thereafter, not even once she had thought of her recent arrangement that she mistook for a relationship. She assumed that she would never be able to hold anyone so close to her ever again. That was her first ever relationship where she tasted life of togetherness – however much arranged that was. She thought that would take the longest to get over.
Truth was far from it. She was already dating when she had asked him to move on and away.
That night with him, she was composed and lived the time as though that was her life… not even once it occurred to her that she was creating her concept of “going off to sleep looking at him and waking up looking at the same face” again.
– ad infinitum – was now in creation.
Not really a fiction 