She was enjoying her day off work.
Lying on bed watching the CFLs glow much after they were switched off, she was letting that sniff of cocoa body butter take her mind to the mountains.
She closed her eyes. She saw herself watching the snow clad peak that she watched from the hotel room balcony every morning after sunrise. She heard the pines swaying. She was walking up the trail again one evening… images one after the other was making her relive the time she had spent last year post Christmas. It was a surprise and she was surprised enough.
For years she had been a big brown mollusc, tender and squashable. Every where she went, she left a trail of moisture, remaining soggy for most part of her existence. Simplest nudge witnessed her to be withdrawing into the shell of baggage she carried everywhere.
“Would you come with me if I were to ask?”, he had asked. Mountains was where he was planning to take her.
This was her chance at taking a new road… A choice she would make in a long time.
Only other day she was thinking of how perfect her story in the past was before it became the most indefinite stance. Here was to her if she cared to rewrite in present… If taking a trip together meant right things happening to a relationship, then it was happening again.
“Yes… I would very much love to!” Was she dreaming… this is what she wanted of many more things.
She looked forward to stretch her newbie wings to fly higher. Mountains was her thing.
She had transitioned to a butterfly. A big black monarch with bright yellow spots. Any one attempting to catch got some of her bright shimmering gossamer rubbed off on their fingers. That’s as far as she let anyone touch her. She left a taste of life wherever she went. She flew lightweight not stopping long enough to be captured anymore.
He let her flutter around him. He wasn’t the kinds who clipped wings to make anyone stay… and she was happy stopping by his side at intervals.
Way to reinventing passes through stages of rediscovery. A subtle rewrite in the most definite way was in the waiting…
The choice she made ensured rediscovery.
There she was typing furiously on her cell phone after food. It was a quick fix meal prepared simply. Two days since that feeling was trying to get to her. It was meant to happen this morning.
Her time at work was tiring than usual, even though she was home on time. Despite the exhaustion, she wanted to cook. She was unable to recognize that urge that was making her spend time cooking at first.
Chrome of turmeric and slits of green chilli reminded her of her childhood bestie. Sampada liked sunflowers, large bright petals daring the onlooker to live life in huge proportions.
She was living the essence.
She was happy. It was evident. Very few knew the story inspiring her thoughts. She was at a stage in life where sex was easy. Yet, she was high on being able to reinvent herself linking her distorted present to the part she lost in the past that was not perfect either.
Not all was lost.
Struggle was the common denominator. She was laboriously gathering all the bearings she stumbled upon in bits. She was regaining her identity after a long period of sleep. Amnesia was leaving her mind.
“Life is touch phone. While one is high or low on success or grief, trying to connect the charger, unknowingly the phone screen maybe touched randomly several times… multiple applications may pop open… You didn’t intend to… One has to close them before keeping the phone away else charging will take forever and before long, the battery would be discharged again”, she concluded.
She had closed most of the applications already.
That moment when he stroked her with that big red gerberra… She lay still. She was lying awashed in his love that was more urgent than ever guided by the hunger of their souls to seek one another.
She stood firm on the shore letting the waves hit her washing away some sand from beneath her feet while retreating. There she stood watching the waves crashing on the distant rocks creating a serene landscape known only to the minds that dreamed. She wanted those waves to crash on her, dissolving her, making her smile glisten every drop that shone on the far away rocks.
She was unmindful of the tide waves rushing toward her. She was painting that picture wishing to merge into oneness with the frame when a huge wave hit her. That moment.
She stretched her arms wide open to hold the horizon letting the wave crash in through every inch of her skin. Her hair running away from her face before now mingled with the rhythm of the current. She closed her eyes and gave in.
In one swift stroke he had claimed her. That moment, she knew of no other way then to surrender. Waves after waves crashed on her drenching every pore drifting her from where she stood dreaming. Becoming one with the wave, blissfully, she floated on the sea water letting her soul taste the elements for time that seemed eternally long.
She was lying on a distant shore dripping wet. A gleeful smile played on her mouth. That moment…
“Plucked this from the decoration. They were taking it down…”, he said.
It was wee hours of early morning. How the dark of the night was lost into dawn with the first ray of hope streaking through the window glass. Hearing him speak, she was jolted out of her reverie where she lay spent feeling much loved. It was far from any perfect present; yet, held witness to the strings of her sighs where her soul touched near salvation. She placed the bunch of petals on the side table and hurriedly typed what that red flower meant.
It was her floral moment, fragrance of which shall linger forever. Afterall, doesn’t a flower inspire to merge into oneness?
She smacked her lips gently feigning attempt to moisten them. A familiar essence lingered on lips reminding her of him. It was only a kiss, a feather touch of his mouth on hers before they turned away.
“This is silly”, she thought in mind. Yet, her silly smile refused to mellow.
It was more than just one kiss. Each time he touched, some of him rubbed off on her. She felt in her veins the onset of change she was longing.
She had made countless efforts to hold onto a hook. No one seemed to be it or even want to become one, regardless of the fact that she wanted such an arrangement to last only momentarily… long enough so she moved on. She wanted to find her bearings to the present. She was failing to find semblance to anything that was happening. That included him too.
She was busy recalling things from the chapters where in an attempt to live, she died.
Die, she did. This was her alter that was calling the shots; hence, the perfection.
She had yearned for this since forever. Now that the things were realising, her mind was creating a picture from past setting the present in the backdrop. She was struggling within everyday recalling the past stances so someday the instances lose effect. Anything can affect only for so long. In due course, she’ll learn to laugh.
She got something to look forward to. She smiled.
The other day she noticed her pink lipstick almost touching the tube base. A couple of applications; then she would need a brush applicator to take the color off the holder. That was her favorite pink. A soft pink, two shades lighter than magenta, this one had glitters giving her pout a velvety frosty finish. She had named it shimmer pink. Shrugging her shoulders, she picked the other stick. Even ‘pink’ was due to run out. No more could the stick be twisted to be applied directly.
“Time to buy some colors…”, she thought.
Several of her bb sticks had run out in the last two years… 3 maybe! While applying makeup last evening she noticed the fourth one too would have to be tossed in the bin soon. She had poured a few drops of water to the one she was applying even though she had taken out a fresh pack of mascara. No thoughts had crossed her mind till then.
She was dying to wear heels. Thanks to winters, this was after so long she wore shoes for this long a period. To be able to wear open toes, she would have to paint her toe nails. She was getting tired of wearing sneakers to work. She settled on applying the blue nail polish with glitters tonight. She took the tiny bottle out of the drawer holding it up to her eye level to ensure what she saw was what it was. The color was due to finish! She poured some thinner out to the bottle that made the color last for two coats for that one time application only. That’s when it hit her.
Some time had passed by since she resolved to fix her life for once. While it seemed to her as if it was only yesterday, it’s for over two years she’s been hitting displacement in a continuous momentum. That’s what she needed… realization.
She ran too fast to register the changes. To observe, one needed to pause. She hadn’t called for any time out. Lot changed in those two years. Many phases overlapping had seen curtains drawn over successfully. That nail color perhaps was an indication of an act of conclusion due to be enacted soon.
Snapping cords was something her father did. After all, she was his daughter. She would take a cue, invoke her instincts and write over her past.
It was time she wrote him off.
She’d had a difficult day at work. She slogged for fourteen hours straight thinking of the following day off. She wanted to learn it all and learn it fast. Her mind was fixed on getting to the next level already. This time around, her resolve was strong. She was vindicated enough.
She reached home tired and somewhat messed. Her hair was tousled. She looked as though someone sucked the life out of her. She stepped into the house weary. She took the cell phone out of her blazer‘s pocket. A text rested on her phone since the time she stepped out of work half hour back. It read:
“Hey hun! Morning! About to reach office in 15. You sleep well and take good care…”
She couldn’t read through the following mush that often assured her of things being right. This morning, she needed more. Two big tear drops rolled down her cheek. She had missed him by only fifteen minutes! Why hadn’t he told her?
Like the sun and the moon, they existed in the same work horizon working for different time zones. He stayed back post his shift to see her. They walked long miles holding hands caring no more till he walked her to work before taking his way to home. All this while she took it to be his work off.
“Rest well, good thing you’re off work tomorrow”, she had said.
“Yeah! I will”, he had replied to her looking straight into her eyes that did things to her. She had smiled and looked away before he had pulled her all to himself to kiss her goodbye.
She slumped on the floor; she couldn’t pull it off anymore. In mind she imagined how warm it would have made her seeing him, hugging like long lost friends before rushing home. With tears still running down her face she washed up. Her heart ached. She was silent like a cold stone.
Sobbing still, in bed where a week back he had refused to let go of her, she recalled the conversation they had had last evening when nonchalantly she had asked, “What if I’m unable to love you back? Would you be able to work this relationship out on your own?”
He had replied, “Yes, I will still love you, more than I ever did…”
She drifted to sleep.
It’s that feel of cool breeze atop the mountains when sun kisses the snow with its first ray. Who says fire and ice don’t exist together?
It’s that first call of the mate when the birds pair together for spring. How well they seem to know one another… perhaps from another lifetime.
That fleeting moment when he reaches out to touch her hand softly and looks up in anticipation… No words would be spoken and yet, all would be conveyed… and heard.
That anxious moment when you ponder “is it…”
That unnerving moment when things seem fleeting, like the blink of an eye. And when you chin up to look around, you realize it’s all coming true for you.
There’s something romantic about travelling. Ever-changing views passing you by flickering every second like a screen saver put on loop. Fleeting; yet, forever.
That travel between “do you…” and “I do.” is a long life in existence in another time zone. It’s that micro moment throbbing in my heart.
I am watching the sun rays reach out to glow the snow. The birdie feeling thawed responds to her mate’s call. I find myself wandering somewhere in that momentous interval where the action stops short of enactment. Like scent of flowers floating in the air that knows no bounds, I fell my heart beat rushing to celebrate the moment when his hand is about to touch mine. This is where I will to dwell, that split second time period when realization of the change to hit me the following second will wash over.
Let the sun tease snow a bit more. Let the mate call louder. Let him look up in my eye before touching my skin. I’ll live that overlapping timelines for the final time.
In you, I’ll embrace the patterns due to set.
Anew and of you.
He sold dreams. Each one a shifting image made in vapor… purely simulated. Bound by the faux threads, it was a yarn of delusion. From a distance, the paradigm glinted like dew drops reflecting the first ray of sun. One never went close for the flash was blinding…
Blinding it was, for she didn’t see what she was trading for. Hers were broken, so she needed threads of a new dream to weave her life within. She bought some of his dreams and hung on the loom in place of warp threads and laid herself in the shuttle to weft within. Little did she know it was a nightmare; soon to become. She got so busy pedaling the loom, she didn’t realize the barren patch she landed in. It was an old cemetery crowded with lifeless elements of several stories told. There she was… dreaming the nightmares of others too! It was her doing when all she wanted was a few threads of a new dream.
It was all but fabricated… a flowing satin of falsehood; smooth and fizzling. The uncombed fibre on the inside of the drape pricked into her skin piercing deep to fasten the hold. The dreams she bought once had made home in her growing on her feeding on her sleep. She dreamed no more.
Sometime went by before she looked beyond that dazzling flash. She realized she was looking at another set of broken dreams; shards of which was glistening with tears of betrayal.
To break the spell, she had to pull the thread and go on till she separated her life off that dream warp. Hoping, someday she does.
Posted in Fiction
Look at the setting sun. It seems to have captured the colors I once dreamed in of you. It wasn’t for a fleeting moment; my feelings in royal blue ruled my composure for some time. My eyes reflected the golden sun even though you were nowhere to witness my eyes creasing. My heart was warm with emotions as the burning red of the setting sun. If only you had let me immerse in you letting me paint the shades of violet around. My love for you in pink longed to merge with your passion of ochre yellow expressions. My jaded green emotions had found new home in you. Before I could paint my canvas, you let the grey streak all over. No birds were flying homewards. I heard no calls anymore. Insects were quiet too… only a dull thud remained reminding me of the void.
Not long ago I was busy creating my world in your ideas. Desperately I awaited your shadow to create an illusion… till you scratched its existence.
Posted in Fiction
Tagged Musing, Romance
Devil’s moaning in the wind. Twigs and trees float uprooted like thoughts in mind… strong yet fleeting. Baseless vision scorch through flying objects flashing back the light it’s catching, somehow the shapes remain undefined. One moment it’s there, then gone… even though you didn’t blink.
Breathing dies in the suspended dust. Just as the ghost crouches on the floor, cool air touch the lungs. It’s now only a matter of time. The deafening wind will lose it’s form giving into the mellowing wetness. Today, the clouds didn’t rumble. It was only the wind in its fury shaking the foundations and then carrying the dug outs to newer destination. Who knows if the transported life will find new roots?
Elements are the expressions of Nature. Mild, wild and unforgiving. Make me in its strength. I am done about moaning. It’s time to move the wand to rearrange the disorderly. I’ll call it life.
PS: Cyclone like thunder storm has set in… It’s been brewing since y’de. Now in full swing. 8th October, 2014